Epic of the B1G: The Waking of Chaos

Chaos-Goddess, sing the Chaos of the B1G,
Unpredictable, doomed, that cost the midwesterns countless beers
Hurled down to the house of Belly,
So many light beverages,
Great foods for the body to embrace,
Let the will of noble Chaos be felt one more fall,

What god drove them to fight with such fury?
Hope, the daughter of Suffering, whipped into flurry
By offseason now come to end. Cast into the hearts
Of impatient students, alumni, and fans, Hope raised
Her tempting head, held out her prize for all to see,

Approached first the Purdue Boilermakers of West Lafayette Indiana,
Bearing high in hand the hammer of Pete, Jeff Brohm coach of second year,
Addressed the whole of college football, and most of all
the two elders, Chaos, and The B1G,

“Chaos, Hope, Indy, hear my drum largest of all,
Grant me your favor, Invite me into your home,
It is I who am most worthy of your blessing,
Who but I founded this conference?
Who loves Chaos more than the Spoilermakers?
Who then better to be your chosen champion?
Come Thursday, yes Thursday, we will play two quarterbacks,
Elijah Sindelaar thrower of 20 passes in 8 different games
David Blough thrower of as many in 4. But name a starter, I will not.”

“In year past we won Lucky’s 7 games.
We played 11 P5 teams in regular play
And one more in the Foster Farms Bowl.
Our offense has more trick plays than any other
So many trick plays did we run,
We ran trick plays off of trick plays”

“This millennium none other than we,
Educators of astronauts have the best
Win percentage against your current champion.
Always brave Boilermakers have Championed Chaos,
Hail Purdue! Hail Chaos!”

So proposed the Boilermakers
Beating drum once more they sat down,
Here rose Northwestern Wildcats of Evanston Illinois,
Purple garments flowing from shoulder, clasp held fast
Black as night the sound of the Wildcat
Echoed through the halls before words spoke,
“Who are you Boilermaker to claim the right of Chaos?
It is I, Northwestern, who claims title Champion of Chaos.
None among the B1G or Power 5s may claim longer winning streak,
Who else but the Cardiac Cats are blown out by evil Duke
And bests the blessed Spartans in the rain?
Who may claim more overtime appearances than NU?”

Once more the sound of the Wildcat echoed through the halls,
“Oh Goddess – Chaos, bless me as you blessed Justin Jackson,
The Ball Carrier,
Bless Jeremy Larkin who sings on fleet foot,
Bless the ACL of Clayton Thorson,
Grant me thy crown, name me, the true NU, thy champion,
And damn the Hawkeyes”
Once more the sound of the Wildcat rang out

Brave Boilermaker answered in haste
“True, Private school, all you say is fit and proper,
You desire to stand prominent,
Desire to stand before all champions,
To claim title of pentagon, to tower over the West
And the East, You seek the recognition
Chaos has yet to award you,
What say you to claim this is your time?”

With those words the shooter of hoops turned
Over the floor to Fitzgerald’s sons,
Again the sound of the Wildcat rattled those halls,
“You speak to me of my ambitions, you speak to me
Not as haughty Notre Dame, whom we both loathe
But as an equal, It seems to me,
We will find Chaos’ chosen champ week one.
We will find who, Chaos loves most
Thursday night before all other B1G programs play,
Thursday, Chaos’ sabbath,
We will find who may challenge those drunken Badgers
Champions in the West,”
Here Chicago’s B1G team paused
And the sound of the Wildcat was heard,
Again Northwestern spoke, pleading the Cats’ Case.
“Hear me journalists, whose educations I bestowed,
You will look past my recent performances,
You will ignore my recent ranked finishes,
Forget me, and you will regret me,
For I possess the defense to make you stop.
Gaziano, from the edge, returns as B1G’s sack leader,
Paddy Fischer, and Nate Hall are simply quality,
Montre will tear out your ‘Hart’
Age’d out Justin Jackson the Ball Carrier maybe
But Larkin will sing new requiems”

Then when the cheers settled down
And the sound of the Wildcat
Sang its last note Purdue raising hammer high
Beat proudly on the drum, largest of all,

“It is settled, Chaos-Goddess, Hear our prayers,
Bless your chosen child,  Thursday night,
Under the lights of Ross-Ade Stadia
7 pm, One shall fall, one shall survive,
All will be Chaos and Chaos be thy will.
Hail Purdue! Blessed Chaos.”

The sound of the Wildcat faded,
Brave Boilermakers, and Learned NU,
Set up their tailgates, opened their beverages,
Measured out bag toss, And put on helmets,
Chaos woke from her long slumber.