The Horniman: Rewarding Mediocrity In Week 2

It’s that time of the week again!  The moment dozens of us have been waiting for. Quite possibly the most highly sought after individual achievement of the 2019 season, The Horniman Award

During the off-season, some members of the Between the Numbers podcast looked for a way to shed some light on college football’s overwhelmingly bland players. Last week, I introduced the Horniman Award and explained all the details surrounding how it was calculated each week. We were happy to announce that Austin Kendall of West Virginia was our first ever winner of the esteemed Horniman Award with a Horniness of 99.6%! Looking at those numbers, it’s pretty obvious he had a rock solid performance! Unfortunately, Austin let the intoxication of being named the Horniest quarterback go to his head. After leading the nation in week 1, he suffered from a serious case of stage fright against Missouri last Saturday. 

The Horniman Award:

Now, time to get down to business and announce this week’s Horniman Award recipient. This week was a close battle between a few of college football’s most mediocre quarterbacks. It came down to the wire between Bryce Perkins of Virginia, Alan Bowman of Texas Tech and Jarrett Guarantano of Tennessee. Though each of these quarterbacks came within one percent of each other, only one was able to edge out the others to claim the title of the most mediocre quarterback in college football.   

With a Horniness Rating of 99.6%, this week’s winner of the prestigious Horniman Award goes to….

Alan Bowman of Texas Tech!

Alan Bowman seeks out his next target (photo: Brad Tollefson / AP)

That’s right! This rough, rugged, Red Raider managed to pull off the unthinkable! Bowman disregarded the road map to success that Mahomes left him, instead taking the dirt road most traveled toward a career of mediocrity! This week, Texas Tech faced off against their vaunted in-state rivals, THE™ University of Texas at El Paso. It was a heated game that ended 38-3 in the favor of the Red Raiders. It’s worth noting that UTEP is not the powerhouse they once were. In fact, they were ranked 129th overall in Athlon’s Preseason rankings, out of 130 teams.

This week featured an astounding 19 games where teams scored 50+ points on their opponents. I’m no mathematician, but I’d bet that a few of those 19 teams are better than the 129th-ranked Miners. The fact that Alan only threw for a completion rate of 65%, including one interception against this aggressively mediocre team really solidifies his claim for this week’s Horniman Award.

Horniable Mentions:

This week had a few standout players that really gave Alan a run for his money. I’ve listed a few guys who really did their best to be as Horni as possible this week. 

Trevor Lawrence Clemson 96.9%
Jarrett Guarantano UT-Knoxville 98.1%
Bryce Perkins Virginia 99.2%
Shea Patterson Michigan 94.7%


It truly is amazing to see guys like Jarrett Guarantano from a school like UT-Knoxville compete with the likes of such storied program’s quarterbacks. I am interested to see how Jarrett gets up and performs in their upcoming match-up with their in-state rival, Chattanooga. This is definitely a team everyone needs to keep an eye on in the coming weeks. 

Jarrett Guarantano leaves the field after loss to BYU (photo: Calvin Mattheis/News Sentinel)

Limp Losers: 

As with every competition, the Horniman Award has its fair share of losers. I have compiled a short list of the least Horni quarterbacks from Week 2.

Grant Gunnell Arizona -16.7%
Jalen Hurts Oklahoma 8.6%
Artur Sitkowski Rutgers 24.7%


Arizona’s Grant Gunnell was easily the limpest passer in the land this week with an impressive -16.7% Horniness. Missing two passes and doing nothing to help the other team out just isn’t going to get you this trophy. Jalen Hurts was softer than a bowl of oatmeal at your grandma’s house at just 8.6%. You hate to see such a low rating after all that off-season hype. Hurts missed four passes and also threw no picks. I hope both of these players turn it around and get that Horniness up as the season continues. 

That’s all I have for this week’s edition of the Horniman Award. Make sure you tune into the Between the Numbers every week on Monday for more exciting stats and hot takes!

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