The Horniman: Rewarding Mediocrity In Week 6

After a weekend that took a lot out of me, I managed to do my best to suck it up and dive deep into the realm of the Horniman. This week was an aggressively Horni week for quarterbacks across the country. I’m not sure if it’s due to the season being halfway over (RIP), or if this award is really just that important to these quarterbacks now.

This week I’m going to mix it up a bit and give you guys the biggest losers first. I want to make you guys work a little harder and get your index finger a workout by making you scroll to the bottom of this article to see this week’s winner.

Limp Losers

It’s time to find out who had our limpest performance this week! I’ve compiled the stats of the players who just couldn’t get it up and perform under the lights this week.

Ian Book Notre Dame -5%
Malik Cunningham Louisville 30%
Kelly Bryant Missouri 39%
Bo Nix Auburn 57%


This week, our limpest performance came from none other than Notre Dame quarterback Ian Book!

(photo: Paul Sancya/AP Photo)

With a Horniness of -5% it makes sense why this guy went to a Catholic school. Come to think of it, it would be pretty hard to perform with Touchdown Jesus watching your every move. Book went out there against Bowling Green last weekend and threw for 16 of 21 for 261 yards and 5 touchdowns. Eyewitnesses at the game reported that Touchdown Jesus actually covered his eyes because he was not comfortable witnessing the sodomy that was occuring on the field.

Another loser near and dear to my heart is Bo Nix of Auburn. The true freshman had a rough go of things on his first trip down to The Swamp. Going 11 of 27 for 145 yards, 1 touchdown and 3 interceptions brought most Auburn fans crashing back into reality at a breakneck speed. One can only hope that some Odd Year Auburn Voodoo Magic will bless this Freshman as he begins to run the SEC West gauntlet, or things may get pretty ugly for Tigers Fans.

(photo: John Raoux/AP)

Horniable Mentions

This week was full of individuals who gave their all in an attempt to snatch up this award. Unfortunately, they fell just short in their lofty aspirations and will only be receiving a participation ribbon. Here is a list of the guys who couldn’t quite finish the job:

Steven Montez Colorado 99%
Spencer Sanders Oklahoma State 96%
Austin Kendall West Virginia 95%
Adrian Martinez Nebraska 95%
Sam Ehlinger Texas 92%


The Horniman Award

This week we have a champion from a place not many would expect. I’m talking about the fabled land of the G5. It’s always good to see these underdogs punching above their weight class and challenging the heavy hitters from the P5. This week’s winner did something no one has done in a long time. He brought some hardware back to The Hilltop. That’s right, this week’s winner is none other than Shane Buechele of SMU!

(photo: Smiley N. Pool/Staff Photographer)

It has been 32 years since the Mustangs of SMU received the Death Penalty in 1987. This season, the Mustangs have become ranked for the first time since that incident. This past weekend, Shane Buechele rode the Mustangs to a 43 – 37 OT victory over the Tulsa Golden Showers after trailing 30 – 9 at the end of the third quarter. Buechele went 27 of 40 for 280 yards and 2 touchdowns in this miraculous come-in-behind victory. I’ll be interested to see how Shane and the mighty Mustangs fare as they stampede through the remainder of this season. Will the hype be too much for them? Will the bag man money dry up? Find out next time on NCAA Investigations.

Wrap Up

Make sure to tune in to the Between The Numbers podcast released every Sunday night for more hot takes regarding all things College Football and updates on each week’s Horniest men. If you want to trash the author of this article you can find him on Twitter at: @Between_Numbers

This author is a member of Between the Numbers LLC and is the independent author of this article/journal/editorial and the contents therein may not be used or disseminated without the express written consent of Between the Numbers LLC. The views and opinions expressed in the foregoing are the property of Between the Numbers LLC and may have been formulated using copyrighted material utilized under fair use. The content of the foregoing may be offered for educational, entertainment, or satirical purposes and should not be utilized in real-world analytic products. Between the Numbers LLC and its managers and members are in no way professionally or contractually affiliated with the host of this content. ©2019 Between the Numbers LLC. All Rights Reserved.