The Horniman: Rewarding Mediocrity In Week 9

It is everyone’s favorite time of the week again! When we get to strap into our favorite armchairs and judge the Horniness of young college kids! This week we had a special treat. It’s not every day that you get a Heisman hopeful and NFL Caliber quarterback that wins the Horniman Award. Before we talk about this week’s winner, we are going to take a trip down Loser Lane.

Limp Losers

This week proved to be too much for most of these young quarterbacks to handle. They couldn’t cope with the pressure of competing for Horniman Award. So they retreated into their shells like frightened turtles.

Trevor Lawrence Clemson 5%
Nick Starkel Arkansas 15%
Zach Gibson Akron 25%
Mac Jones Alabama 37%
Jalen Hurts Oklahoma 39%


Trevor Lawrence, ESPN Golden Boy, really disappointed us in his pursuit of the Horniman Award. Going 16 of 19 for 275 yards and 3 touchdowns against Boston College pulled Trevor out of contention for this week’s Horniman.

Trevor Lawrence Sees a Bird… Or a Plane… (Joshua S. Kelly – USA TODAY Sports)

Oklahoma’s Jalen Hurts had a great rebound weekend tallying a Horniness of 39% after recording an abysmal -33% Horniness in the previous week. Unfortunately, Hurts was unable to get Horni enough to hold off the Wildcats of Kansas State.

Jalen Hurts Dreams of Alabama’s Defense (Charlie Riedel – AP Photo)

Horniable Mentions

This week had an impressive 35 quarterbacks that finished with a Horniness of 90% or higher. This makes sense given all of the upsets that took place this week. Unfortunately, we can’t list out every player, but trust us, there are a lot of Horni Bois this week.

Jack Coan Wisconsin 99%
Tanner Morgan Minnesota 99%
Skylar Thompson Kansas State 97%
Kelly Bryant Missouri 96%
Sean Clifford Penn State 94%
Chase Brice Clemson 92%
Joe Burrow LSU 92%
Alex Hornibrook Florida State 91%


The Curse

After looking over the results from this past weekend, we discovered something that may unlock the key to the Horniman. At the end of the 2018 season, Alex Hornibrook left  Wisconsin to move onto greener pastures in Tallahassee at Florida State (RIP). This left the door open for Jack Coan to slide on in and take up the role as starting quarterback. What he didn’t know was that he was opening himself up to the Curse of the Horniman. After extensive research, we have concluded the Wisconsin quarterbacks are destined to be Horni. They are doomed to a life of mediocrity. Jack Coan went full Horniman in his match-up against the unstoppable Buckeyes.

Jack Coan Practices His Stop Drop and Roll Fire Drill (David Petkiewicz,

Coan went 10 of 17 for 108 yards and 1 touchdown in their crushing defeat against the Ohio State Buckeyes. Meanwhile, Alex Hornibrook led his fearless Seminoles to a crucial victory over the Syracuse Oranges. Hornibrook went 15 of 26 for 196 yards. It will be interesting to see how the curse of the Horniman affects Coan as the season progresses.

Perky Perkins

He’s not.

Horniman Award

As mentioned previously, this week is extra special because our winner was a preseason Heisman frontrunner and NFL caliber quarterback. It is always heartwarming to see these great players stoop down to our level and show us how mediocre they can be. That said, the winner of this week’s Horniman Award is:

Justin Herbert of Oregon!

That’s right, the mighty Duck himself has stooped down into the muck with the rest of us and snatched up the coveted Horniman award! With an incredible Horni-Rating of 100%, Justin exposed himself to the world and showed us what he is made of.

Justin Herbert Wants YOU.. to be Horni (Andy Nelson – The Register-Guard)

Justin had himself quite the game this weekend against the Washington State Cougars. He went 21 of 30 for 222 yards, and threw 0 touchdowns and 0 interceptions in their 37-35 victory over the Mike Leach Insurgent Pirates. With stats like these, it is no surprise that NFL scouts are drooling all over our Horni little duck. The only hope Oregon fans have at this point is that all this fame doesn’t go to his head before he takes home some more hardware.

That is all we have for this week’s edition of the Horniman Award. Make sure you tune into the Between the Numbers Podcast for more Hot Takes and Crazy Stats. Stay Horni College Football.

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